The (real) Dorklympics

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

As Cathy and I were searching for sports to include in our uncool top 10, we came to the slightly sad conclusion that there already is a Dork Olympics - the World Games.

Orienteering has been part of the World Games since 2001. In fact, Australians have won a gold and a silver medal! Other sports include squash, tug-of-war and sport climbing (ie. indoor rock climbing - which I love!) Checking out the list of sports makes you realize just how random and subjective the Olympics are - I mean, what makes synchronized swimming more Olympic-worthy than dance sport (aka ballroom dancing)? Personally, I'd rather watch sport climbing and jiu-jitsu than yet another goddamn swimming stroke. And let's not get started on modern pentathlon.

Speaking of subjectivity, my dad has always been of the opinion that there should be two Olympic Games - one, known as the objective Olympics, could include all the sports for which no judging is required. The second games, known as the subjective Olympics, would include any sport for which it is possible to be awarded 'Russian judges bonus points' (gymnastics and figure skating being prime examples).

But I digress. There are certainly a few dorky sports in the World Games lineup, including, in no particular order: canoe polo, artistic roller skating, finswimming and ultimate frisbee (a sport at which Cathy has been known to compete internationally. In fact, during our 'research' we discovered that there is a sub-category of dorky sports known as 'Sports at which Cathy excels', which includes orienteering, ultimate frisbee and royal tennis).

However, these sports didn't make our top 10. Or mine at least - we didn't reach final agreement before Cathy skipped the state, so you'll have to check out her blog for the final word.

So without further ado, here are my top 10 dorky sports (not including orienteering, which, if I were being fair, would probably come in at around number 5).

10. Korfball

What? I hear you ask. Score one for 'sports that no one has heard of'. Korfball is, in fact, a strange variation of basketball and netball that is 'really big in Germany'. It consists of mixed teams (two men and two women) who chuck a ball around a bit and try to get the ball in the basket (called, naturally, a korf). Korfball is part of the World Games, and if you wanted to play it competitively, you'd best move to Adelaide, for some reason the epicentre of Australian korfball.

9. Kettle ball lifting

As far as I can see, this sport consists of swinging a kettle ball over your head as many times as you can in a given time. However there also seems to be an 'artistic' variant, although to be honest I couldn't really work out what was artistic about it. Throwing 'artistic' in front of any activity which is inherently un-artistic always seems to be ill-advised (see many of the World Games sports), but that hasn't stopped any number of 'athletes' from insisting that it's a good idea and forming a federation.

8. Race walking

I'd love to rank this sport more highly in dorkiness, but unfortunately it's an Olympic sport, which automatically gives in more credibility. Still, it has to be one of the stupider sports out there, in the same league as triple jump ie. sports that you take up if you're crap at the 'real' versions (in the above examples, running and long jump, respectively). Plus, it appears to be ridiculously easy to cheat, especially if you are Russian.

7. Irish dancing

I once watched an Irish dancing competition on TV, although I'm not quite sure why. Anyway, the most highly lauded dancers appeared to be the ones who were able to include the most toe taps, leg flicks and random twitches into a given routine. Is it a sport? Well, if Ballroom dancing is, then so is the Irish variety.

6. Underwater hockey

Falls into the category of 'sports which are cool in their original form, but incredibly dorky in their new, totally incongruous location.' Canoe polo is another example, as is (if you ask me) beach volleyball. But I'm probably flying solo with that opinion.

5. Stand-up paddle boarding

I was once swimming in the lagoon at Falmouth on the east coast of Tasmania with my sister-in-law and niece and nephew. As we enjoyed our leisurely swim, we watched Jo's friend Michael attempt to manoeuvre a stand-up paddle board through the surf at the mouth of the river, half-drowning in the process. 'Why?' I thought to myself.

Maybe there's some mystical Hawaiian origin of this sport, but it just strikes me as another sport that takes an inherently cool sport (surfing) and makes it dorky by adding a pointless accessory.

4. Street workout

I came across this sport when researching calisthenics (see no. 3). Basically, 'street workout' competitions appear to be the monkey bar world championships. Dudes in tracksuits perform 'routines' to doof-doof music, on a variety of bars that look like playground equipment, with a parallel bar tacked on the end.

Don't get me wrong, these guys are fit. They perform dips, chins and crazy moves such as 'the human flag', which require an insane amount of upper body and core strength. But it also includes some weird 'mime' elements (guys pretending to climbs stairs, mid-air), and it's really big in Russia. So, despite being a sport which gives you a great body (Cathy insisted that this should be a mitigating factor when calculating dorkiness), I'm saying that this is one of the dorkiest sports I've ever had the pleasure to watch on You Tube.

3. Calisthenics

Calisthenics - from the Greek 'kallos' meaning beauty, and 'themos', meaning strength - can be categorized as both a sport and an art, according to the Victorian Calisthenics Association. 

Remember those little girls you used to see in the supermarket, looking like 10 year old hookers? Calisthenics was to blame. Call me conservative, but I think any 'sport' that requires pre-pubescent girls to trowel on the makeup is fucking stupid, no matter how much they 'love the costumes' and how many 'fantastic friends' they have made.

Then again, I compete in tight pyjamas and look like I have a communicable skin disease. So who am I to judge.

2. Baton twirling

Watching the national championships of a dorky sport is a very instructive experience. Essentially, if you are a watching a championship event in a gym full of empty seats, you know you are probably high on dorkiness quotient. Closely related to competitive cheerleading and rhythmic gymnastics, baton twirling combines the dorkier aspects of both sports, while missing out on the street cred by association of the Olympics, professional football and basketball, and cult movies like 'Bring It On'. Plus it's the talent of choice of countless talentless American beauty queens, along with fellatio and feeding starving Africans.

1. Ski ballet

Words fail me. Over to you, Hermann.

 

The Dork Olympics

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

As regular reader(s) would be aware, for many years I have been involved in the wonderful, intellectually stimulating, physically challenging sport of orienteering. At the highest level, orienteering is an amazing sport, full of fantastic athleticism and impressive technique.

It really is a great sport. Unfortunately, it is also, in some ways (OK, many ways) extremely dorky. 

What makes orienteering so dorky? My friend Cathy has been staying with me for the past couple of days, and we've been mulling over whether there are, in fact, any sports which are inherently more dorky that orienteering. And we did come up with a few (thank you, You Tube). However before we could contemplate contenders for the Dork Olympics, we had to distill the essence of orienteering in order to work out exactly what makes it so uncool.

Here are our findings: 

1. No one knows what it is.

Try doing a sport that, whenever you have to explain what you were doing on the weekend, you also have to explain what the hell the activity with the weird name actually is.

2. Those who think they know what it is are usually wrong.

There are, of course, a few people who think they know what orienteering is. Unfortunately, their idea of what competitive orienteering actually involves is usually way off the mark, because when they did it - in Scouts or the Army Reserve - they plotted coordinates and plodded around in teams, often stopping on the way to engage the enemy or build a shelter from twigs and twine.

3. The only way of talking it up is to say 'It's big in Scandinavia'.

Scandinavia is known for many things. Great design, flat packed furniture, moody crime fiction, handsome blonde masseurs called Sven...but world class athletes? Not so much (except for Nordic skiing, which is one of the less cool sports in the Winter Olympics...probably one of the reasons I love it). At any rate, having to justify your participation in an obscure sport by saying 'But it's big in [insert non-English speaking country]' is not a good indicator of coolness.

4. The competition wear looks like pyjamas.

OK, this was more true in the 80s and 90s (and of the older generation of orienteers who still wear the gear they had in the 80s and 90s), but there are really not many ways you can make brightly coloured full body cover look cool. For a start, you need to protect your shins from sticks and rocks and prickles, so some sort of long sock or gaiter is mandatory. Add to that some knee length pants in a lightweight fabric, a tight-fitting top (or looser 80s version) and you're not looking like a winner. Unless, of course, you are French and your name is Thierry Georgiou, one of the world's greatest athletes (that no one has heard of).

5. Your legs and arms get scratched to shit.

I used to dread PE when I was in high school, and not just because I went to a stupid Catholic girls school with a horrible blue and brown little polyester skirt that it was compulsory to wear for every activity, including cross country running. No, it was because, on a Monday, underneath my stupid little skirt, my legs were always criss-crossed with scratches and little red dots from spiky plants and bracken. In a related incident, my dad was working out at a gym once and the owner (who happened to be a friend of his) came up and politely asked him if he had some kind of communicable skin disease, because one of the other patrons had complained. No, he had just been orienteering.

5. The 'prizes' are shit

The other night I was watching Anna Mears on Australian Story. OK, admittedly she is an Olympic gold medalist, and deserves to have an impressive haul of other medals (which she does). So when she pulled them out from the box in the laundry, I though 'Wow, that puts my box of medals and trophies to shame.' Because, apart from orienteering, I also used to be passably good at a number of other sports, for which I was awarded genuine fake gold trinkets. THEN I thought, 'Hey, if I'd won actual medals for all the orienteering competitions I won or placed in, I'd have a shitload of medals too!'

But no, I won BADGES. Cloth badges. Of the type that girl guides are awarded, or, I don't know, members of the under 10s southern regional basketball team. Even when I won the Australian open women's title, back in (I think) 2004 - did I win anything cool? No, I won a perpetual trophy, which I had to pay to get engraved myself, then give back. And a badge. Which I just can't bring myself to throw out.

Needless to say, you never win prize money orienteering. I think as an athlete I have won maybe $700 worth of prize money, but none of it was for orienteering (although I did win a nice table cloth at the Swedish 5-days once. Did I mention that orienteering is big over there?)

6. A lot of dorky people do it

As mentioned, orienteering is an intellectually challenging sport. It therefore tends to attract people who enjoy an intellectual challenge. And these people tend to be, well, nerds. The advantage of this is that orienteering is full of super nerdy software developer types who like nothing better than to develop nifty pieces of software that allow you to map your route choice on a digital map and run a 'virtual' race in real time against your competitors. But, it doesn't help its coolness quotient.

7. Fictionalized orienteering is almost always a catalyst for high-jinx and misadventure

I'm crediting Cathy with this observation. A couple of years ago, Cathy worked as a production coordinator on a very cool kids animated TV series called Pixel Pinkie. One of the episodes featured 'orienteering', or the TV version of it which involved two inevitably mismatched teens being paired up, only to have things go horribly wrong when their 'coordinates' went awry. I think the genie in one of the kids' mobile phones eventually saves the day, but that's hardly the point. The reason it all went pear shaped can be summed up with one word: 'orienteering'.

Well, now that we have sufficiently mined the depths of orienteering's uncoolness, it's time to investigate whether or not there are any other sports out there to surpass it in dorkiness. 

*check out Cathy's blog on the topic - with pictures!