The (real) Dorklympics
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
As Cathy and I were searching for sports to include in our uncool top 10, we came to the slightly sad conclusion that there already is a Dork Olympics - the World Games. Orienteering has been part of the World Games since 2001. In fact, Australians have won a gold and a silver medal! Other sports include squash, tug-of-war and sport climbing (ie. indoor rock climbing - which I love!) Checking out the list of sports makes you realize just how random and subjective the Olympics are - I mean, what makes synchronized swimming more Olympic-worthy than dance sport (aka ballroom dancing)? Personally, I'd rather watch sport climbing and jiu-jitsu than yet another goddamn swimming stroke. And let's not get started on modern pentathlon. Speaking of subjectivity, my dad has always been of the opinion that there should be two Olympic Games - one, known as the objective Olympics, could include all the sports for which no judging is required. The second games, known as the subjective Olympics, would include any sport for which it is possible to be awarded 'Russian judges bonus points' (gymnastics and figure skating being prime examples). But I digress. There are certainly a few dorky sports in the World Games lineup, including, in no particular order: canoe polo, artistic roller skating, finswimming and ultimate frisbee (a sport at which Cathy has been known to compete internationally. In fact, during our 'research' we discovered that there is a sub-category of dorky sports known as 'Sports at which Cathy excels', which includes orienteering, ultimate frisbee and royal tennis). However, these sports didn't make our top 10. Or mine at least - we didn't reach final agreement before Cathy skipped the state, so you'll have to check out her blog for the final word. So without further ado, here are my top 10 dorky sports (not including orienteering, which, if I were being fair, would probably come in at around number 5). 10. Korfball What? I hear you ask. Score one for 'sports that no one has heard of'. Korfball is, in fact, a strange variation of basketball and netball that is 'really big in Germany'. It consists of mixed teams (two men and two women) who chuck a ball around a bit and try to get the ball in the basket (called, naturally, a korf). Korfball is part of the World Games, and if you wanted to play it competitively, you'd best move to Adelaide, for some reason the epicentre of Australian korfball. 9. Kettle ball lifting As far as I can see, this sport consists of swinging a kettle ball over your head as many times as you can in a given time. However there also seems to be an 'artistic' variant, although to be honest I couldn't really work out what was artistic about it. Throwing 'artistic' in front of any activity which is inherently un-artistic always seems to be ill-advised (see many of the World Games sports), but that hasn't stopped any number of 'athletes' from insisting that it's a good idea and forming a federation. 8. Race walking I'd love to rank this sport more highly in dorkiness, but unfortunately it's an Olympic sport, which automatically gives in more credibility. Still, it has to be one of the stupider sports out there, in the same league as triple jump ie. sports that you take up if you're crap at the 'real' versions (in the above examples, running and long jump, respectively). Plus, it appears to be ridiculously easy to cheat, especially if you are Russian. 7. Irish dancing I once watched an Irish dancing competition on TV, although I'm not quite sure why. Anyway, the most highly lauded dancers appeared to be the ones who were able to include the most toe taps, leg flicks and random twitches into a given routine. Is it a sport? Well, if Ballroom dancing is, then so is the Irish variety. 6. Underwater hockey Falls into the category of 'sports which are cool in their original form, but incredibly dorky in their new, totally incongruous location.' Canoe polo is another example, as is (if you ask me) beach volleyball. But I'm probably flying solo with that opinion. 5. Stand-up paddle boarding I was once swimming in the lagoon at Falmouth on the east coast of Tasmania with my sister-in-law and niece and nephew. As we enjoyed our leisurely swim, we watched Jo's friend Michael attempt to manoeuvre a stand-up paddle board through the surf at the mouth of the river, half-drowning in the process. 'Why?' I thought to myself. Maybe there's some mystical Hawaiian origin of this sport, but it just strikes me as another sport that takes an inherently cool sport (surfing) and makes it dorky by adding a pointless accessory. 4. Street workout I came across this sport when researching calisthenics (see no. 3). Basically, 'street workout' competitions appear to be the monkey bar world championships. Dudes in tracksuits perform 'routines' to doof-doof music, on a variety of bars that look like playground equipment, with a parallel bar tacked on the end. Don't get me wrong, these guys are fit. They perform dips, chins and crazy moves such as 'the human flag', which require an insane amount of upper body and core strength. But it also includes some weird 'mime' elements (guys pretending to climbs stairs, mid-air), and it's really big in Russia. So, despite being a sport which gives you a great body (Cathy insisted that this should be a mitigating factor when calculating dorkiness), I'm saying that this is one of the dorkiest sports I've ever had the pleasure to watch on You Tube. 3. Calisthenics Calisthenics - from the Greek 'kallos' meaning beauty, and 'themos', meaning strength - can be categorized as both a sport and an art, according to the Victorian Calisthenics Association. Remember those little girls you used to see in the supermarket, looking like 10 year old hookers? Calisthenics was to blame. Call me conservative, but I think any 'sport' that requires pre-pubescent girls to trowel on the makeup is fucking stupid, no matter how much they 'love the costumes' and how many 'fantastic friends' they have made. Then again, I compete in tight pyjamas and look like I have a communicable skin disease. So who am I to judge. 2. Baton twirling Watching the national championships of a dorky sport is a very instructive experience. Essentially, if you are a watching a championship event in a gym full of empty seats, you know you are probably high on dorkiness quotient. Closely related to competitive cheerleading and rhythmic gymnastics, baton twirling combines the dorkier aspects of both sports, while missing out on the street cred by association of the Olympics, professional football and basketball, and cult movies like 'Bring It On'. Plus it's the talent of choice of countless talentless American beauty queens, along with fellatio and feeding starving Africans. 1. Ski ballet Words fail me. Over to you, Hermann.
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